Current location:	98045
Current mood:	heartbroken
Current music:	washing machine
Entry tags:	bipolar, heart attack, mama blues, my son is not ok, school, shame, stories

Snap!
Bean had to miss his monthly field trip again today. So he was home with me this a.m. until he could return to his regular classes this afternoon. 

He came home from biking with his friend with a fantastical story about getting beat up -- even going as far as saying that one of the teens doing the assaulting peed on him. He claimed they threw his bike in the lake by our house.  His bike, upon inspection by his dad, showed, that he had gone through some mud and muck, but there's no evidence that it actually got submerged.  His clothes did not smell like urine. But it does look like someone might have socked him  in the face. He claimed his friend's mom nursed him threw a bloody nose. I have not been able to reach her for verification. When I talked to Bean after he calmed down from his re-telling of the tale and I said that was an offense that warranted me calling the police, he was really wary. "It's Father's Day; they will interupt our dinner and they don't need to be involved."

Once again, we're in a position of having a hard time believing him. Everytime I give him a bit of space to be a normal 12-year-old, something like this happens. But he gets so angry and aggressive if I make him stick around the house. I guess I would rather he stay home and play here, because I can protect him better. When there's 'heat-of-the-moment stuff' to deal with like any 12-year-old boy, Bean's brain just shuts down and he ends up doing a fight-or-flight response.

Before retiring for the evening, I was talking with hubby about the fact that our daughter seemed to be sick. She was suffering through one of her seemingly monthly migraines.  I realized and told him that I really have a hard time when my kids are sick (just like most parents); and that it dawned on me the last two years have been fraught with that type of heartache since Bean's condition has grown worse. My child is ill. He won't ever be rid of this illness. All we can do is hope for some level of 'control.' I cried thinking that he was going to be medicated most of his life. And that realization feels so shameful, although, I have no reason to feel that way. I still do, even realizing we didn't ask for this -- Bean most certainly didn't.

It's almost a year since I had my heart-attack. They couldn't find any 'reason' for the attack. They just said, "yep, you had a heart attack.' In the chart is sez, 'undetermined cardiac event.'

I realize today that about this time last year, I realized without any doubt that Bean would not ever have a normal life. It broke my heart. The heart ache grew into a full-fledge heart attack.

Today, I'm coping better. But, I realize there is a cloud of heartache over my life. Because I love my son so dearly, I know it will never go away.